Historical gender-fucking:

It's of a pretty female as you may understand
Her mind being bent for ramblin' all unto some foreign land
She dressed herself in sailor's clothes or so it does appear
And she hired with a captain to serve him for a year

The captain's wife, she being on board, she seemed in great joy
To think her husband had engaged such a handsome cabin boy
And now and then she'd slip him a kiss, and she would 'a liked to toy
It was the captain found out the secret of the handsome cabin boy

Her lips they were like roses, her hair was all in a curl
The sailors often smiled and said, "he looks just like a girl"
But eating of the captain's biscuit, her color did destroy
And the waist did swell of pretty Nell, the handsome cabin boy

It was in the Bay of Biscayne, our gallant ship did plough
One night among the sailors was a fearful flurry and row
They tumbled from their hammocks, for sleep it did destroy
They swore about the groaning of the handsome cabin boy

"Oh doctor, dear, oh doctor", the cabin boy did cry
"My time has come, I am undone, surely I must die"
The doctor cam a-runnin', and smilin' at the fun
To think a sailor lad should have a daughter or a son

The sailors, when they saw the joke, they all did stand and stare
The child belonged to none of them, they solemnly did swear
The captain's wife she says to him "My dear I wish you joy
For it's either you or me's betrayed the handsome cabin boy"

So each man took his tote of rum, and he drunk success to trade
And likewise to the cabin boy, who was neither man nor maid
"Here's hoping wars don't rise again, our sailors to destroy
And here's hoping for a jolly lot more like the handsome cabin boy"

Christmas has interesting flavor to it this year. Trying to make it taste less like white sugar. Blech.

I went to a party last night and spent an hour trying to convince a very drunk college girl to let sober me drive her home. I'm never doing that again, next time I'm just taking the keys, who cares if she knows martial arts and could break my nose. What a waste of time, jeez.

My second-cousin-once-removed or whatever, Cade, lives at my parents house now, its nice to come home and hang with her. :D

shaking, shaking,
lightning fuzz like electric cotton inside of my veins
this is it girly,
this is adderall

do you like what you do?

when you can feel almost anything except your heart beating
and i want almost nothing,
except a whole lot more of this


come back, come back to now
keep breathing
that feeling of joy, of security, of self confidence
that you seek through pink lines on the floor
all of this utter contentment with the situation
as it is
right now
is inside of you
every god blessed day

like a diamond buried in mud
this light and love is here, now, in your very body, in your very being
and the diamonds just sitting there all these years,
under so many layers of dirt and sand, clay and water,
but when the time is gone to sort through the dirty, what we call bad
and all the while, there is this diamond
completely as perfect as it ever was
like time had never gone by


somewhere mine is underneath a whole lot of hanging on to past pain
and the funniest thing,
hanging onto hanging on to pain
because how could i be grace if i weren't totally miserable?
how could i say i am who i am without a million needles of sorrow behind my eyes and eyebrows

and its so sad when people see..
your disguises can only hold up for so long before everyone realizes that it's become an act..
though not because i don't really love you and want to make YOU happy beyond understanding
but when all i can hear while i'm supposedly being there for a friend
is my own selfish voice trying to make sure that i LOOK like i'm genuinely listening
haha. what a joke my mind becomes

and now, when i've talked to much and said too little,
now that most of corvallis has enjoyed a good laugh at the sake of my intoxicated rambling
(who could blame them, ha)
but at the end of it all, even though i needed the shot of self confidence
and i did have some fun out on my night to early morning on the town,
at the end of everything,
here i am sitting, unable to stop shaking and breathing panicked and i can feel my circulation
has pooled to a crack addicted lake and the ends of my hands
though i would not change a thing
THE TIME HAS COME
to learn, with gentle love and acceptance
and know that no matter how many times we fall,
nothing that is real in us can ever, ever be damaged or lost or go down in value
you will always be the beautiful you that you are
and when i come out of this, on the other side, sober (more or less)
may i know that there are no mistakes in this world
and every stupid thing i do and learn from is entirely my dharma
my path, my way of walking that no one else could duplicate
same with you

and her,
and everyone

of course we could live our lives never moving,
always so safe, so as never to get hurt
but if you already knew everything,
why would you stay here? if you never let anything stab your heart so deep,
you'll never know how it is to feel pure joy fully
though we never say never




and breathe, knowing this is only for my sake and no one will read it
because there are so many more things going on in this world

so tom gabel sings of joy,
his voice so individual and real

somebody get me off of this weak...

i just don't want to feel this way anymore
i get the irony of most of what i say
and what it comes down to in the end when i'm curled up screaming
knowing full well that i am not good enough. in this moment at least
we should be able to face our pain.
but got this crack, i just don't want to feel this way anymore

on the upside...i'm learning. i guess.
we'll see

Grace is ugly.
on the inside, with her mind and all her plans
she is so so ugly
and she is setting herself up for failure


tequila keeps you drunk late into the morning.
be wary of its uplifting intoxication


my phone should be taken from me when i'm drunk








i miss him






in all of his pierced anger
in all of the nights that i stayed awake watching him,
in his whiskey induced coma,
unwakable and unshakable
i miss him.


he would walk to the store and buy me food
knowing i wouldn't eat any other way
and he wouldn't eat at all

and i loved him.


even knowing, even pulling apart the pieces to the collage i made so long ago of all my sad little dreams
pulling apart the pictures that YOU TORE when you could not bear the thought of me loving another

crying and cutting and screaming and punching
and i still miss that dark haired fucker...


i miss him because he was my husband


and we loved each other


our world was FUCKED

and our relationship was imaginary
dysfunction working actively under the guise of ROMANTIC LOVE
there is no such thing.



just attachment. and loss.

i miss him.